Raiders of the Living Dead

A depressing Sam Sherman (Al Adamson, Independent International) programmer from the mid-eighties. Thirties western star Bob Allen and child actor star of The Toy, Scott Schwartz, have roles (All of Mr. Schwartz's recent credits, by the way, are porn videos).  The action is clunky throughout-- about the pace of an instructional film for heavy equipment-- and what should be scenes of shock to reward the patient viewer all happen off-camera.  The zombies that pursue the reporter Randall (Robert Deveau) are in regulation light-blue makeup and shuffle woodenly when they're not stationery (which is often), and most of the shots that feature them are so dark that no detail is visible anyway.   The one scene of genuine shock is the accidental death of a pet hamster, caused by a misfiring laser.  The scene is played as comic relief and as a final punchline we are treated to a gratuitously long and close shot of the animal's charred corpse.  Hilarious!  Other moments of levity are provided by the Three Stooges, as Randall and his girlfriend Shelly (Donna Asali) sit in the theater and heave in their seats as the trio punch and poke each other for two unnecessarily long sequences.  The culmination is a plodding, badly-lit sequence in an abandoned prison with 1940s-era "laser" effects.  The only bright spot, really, is the deliciously hackneyed theme song written (obviously and painfully) specifically for this movie.  Best of all you can hear it over the opening credits and spare yourself the other eighty-three minutes.